Friday, March 23, 2012

The Dating Game (part deux??)

Whenever I start a post, I'm never quite sure if  I want the cyber world privy to my innermost thoughts. Even though my blog visits are up quite a bit over the last 3 months, it is still not widely read and I think most of the posts that actually get read are by friends and family.  Thank you dear readers, from the bottom of my voluptuous brown heart.  I wonder do readers think it's all TMI? Is it even relevant? Do you read it and say "she's definitely a few brown eggs short of a dozen" or does it make you laugh or think more deeply about your own experiences? Personally this blog serves as an extension of my journal for me. Writing keeps me sane - always has, probably always will.

As I've said before I tend to be pretty introspective and rather than viewing my last post with a "Lawd they done me wrong!" focus and hanging up a Man Haters Club sign a la The Little Rascals, I'm choosing to look at myself because I am nobody's victim and hopefully nobody's fool. In the movie the Wedding Date, Nick tells Kat "Every woman has exactly the love life she wants" and I've never forgotten it.  That said there must be something about me, my carriage or manner of self expression that is getting me the results I mentioned in the last post in particular. While I've gotten nowhere near it in a very long time, I started to wonder if I even genuinely want to be permanently committed again. If I genuinely wanted a love relationship wouldn't I have one by now?  I am a pretty self-motivated woman and very often whatever (this) Lola wants, (this) Lola gets. Oh I was rocking that song long before Diet Pepsi usurped it! Think less manipulative, rude Diva more personally driven independent woman. If I want something bad enough in most cases thus far I have figured out a way/hustle/whatever to see it to fruition and so it should be with love as well is my thinking.

I can tell you definitively some things I am passionate about, I mean LOVE in all caps - traveling, the BMW X6, my naturally curly hair, a well made Sangria, lobster and the company of a man who loves to dine at the Y. But in analyzing the situations surrounding my last post it appears that I might be more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than the reality of one.  I think the falling in love part is doing me in. More than my fear of heartbreak is my genuine fear of falling and loosing...ME.  I'm an only child and we tend to do okay flying solo much better than those with siblings. I learned early on to keep pretty good company with myself.  And that has also allowed me to explore the world without explanation or compromise. It even allowed me move to small-town PA on my own without benefit of friends or family. My subconscious commitment to and defense of my autonomy might be why I attract (???) so many men who are just as non-committal as I am.  I do not lack the desire for companionship - I just lack the desire for CONSTANT companionship. In fact I tend to withdraw when people get too clingy, kinda sounds like a guy doesn't it? With the exception of my wunderkind and my recently widowed mother there isn't anyone I genuinely want to see and talk to everyday no matter how much I enjoy being with them. Perhaps I just have not met him yet. While on paper I sound like a woman on fire, it's likely that very quality also scares a great many men away.  I'm a handful, I know this. Rather than feel angry or rejected maybe it's wiser to be grateful.

Fortunately, that unenviable statistic that a women over 40 or is it 35 has a better chance of being killed in a terrorist attack than getting married doesn't faze me. I was married for 6 years (9 years actually but who counts anniversaries once you're separated). I was not madly in love with my husband but I did love him. And I did indeed lose myself quite bit in that relationship though that had probably had more to do with our religious tradition at the time. Despite the fact that our marriage  ended in a divorce, I have no intention of bashing him here, it's neither necessary nor conducive to this post.  I like to think I was very good wife too, even after I knew our marriage was in trouble. I'll just say he was a kind enough guy who ended up with a broken heart and I have since forgiven myself for that, not so sure he has though.
 
Granted even if I didn't have these observations, the internet is probably not the best place to seek a mate.  Yes, you do have a chance to connect with many, many more folks than you ever could at a family barbeque or a night at da club. But unfortunately, it also increases your odds of encountering playas, liars, cross dressers and serial killers too. I wish I was joking about the last two. I don't think think most men are looking for permanent relationships online, I'll bet 90% are looking for hook-ups.  I am no prude, sometimes that's all you need.  The internet is a man's playground for sure. There is probably a definite mismatch between what the sexes genuinely seek and mark my words in about 15 years a study will reveal that you are far more likely to have a successful relationship meeting the old fashioned way aka bumping into him at Trader Joe's than chatting someone up online. I can tell you that when I first started this post I referred to the Tall Mocha One as a sociopath because I found his profile all over the net with a variety of ages that spanned 10 years! I really didn't think men lied about their age - height and the size of other things but age, really? I'm no stalker but I Google pretty much everyone, I'm a curious gurl. But there is no way to not sound like a angry black woman referencing a man I don't know as a sociopath, though. Truth is whether he's married, committed or not, dishonest (almost definitely), lazy (repeatedly used the same profile name, hence the Google results) or just an indifferent jerk-it really doesn't matter. He's probably just perpetuating behavior that has gotten him the results he sought - lots and lots of T & A time with a whole lotta women.  I kid you not, the man pictured on his profile was a very sexy man. Anyway, I've decided not to out him here - oh yeah, I was gonna cause non-committal I can deal with, liars should be flogged. But I don't live with or even know him.  And if I really wanted to talk to him I could call him. He did give me his number (or rather a number-I never tried it). And yes, he did message me after my post, twice in fact, but I wanted a phone call so I ignored him.  Besides he was much more interesting when I thought I was chatting up a hot 38 year old (I'm 45)!! This man aged 8 years in a week - at that rate he's gonna be dead by the middle of April anyway. What are the chances he will read my blog  and have even a remote idea he figured in a post by this voluptuous brown gurl? Not a one! But if he did I'd say Tall Mocha One you did nothing to me but you very well may have done something for me, given me the gift of introspection....again. Oh and given that dating/mating's a free for all nowadays and frankly most Brothas in Columbia MD, in particular, have tons of white women banging down your doors. I was very surprised to see that you expressed a definite preference for African American woman and those with Sista curves especially:)  I've been on my share of dating sites over the years and you just don't see that a lot. Thanks Dude! Stay Safe and cut the Sistas some slack, please...

The older I get, the more valued personal growth becomes. Beginning today, I am placing myself on a 90 day man moratorium (or a manratorium :) not to expire before June 21 - the first day of Summer. My dating profiles are hidden and I will not look at, think about or talk to anyone in even a remotely romantic way, no exchange of numbers, no matter what, nada. This shouldn't be hard given my track record but I can almost guarantee as sure I type that the next 3 months I'll probably attract men like mosquitoes to stagnant water. (It's 80 degrees in March, what do you expect?) But that's okay - bring it on. VBG's fearless and on a mission to discover, and honor herself and her choices. Feel free to comment periodically to see how it's going, I don't intend to blog about it in the interim.

For the last few months the wallpaper on my laptop has been exactly what you see above "don't worry, everything is going to be amazing" - let it be so...

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